"Feels like no one understands,
and now my only chance
to talk to you is through my prayers..."
What I'm about to convey to any of you reading this is deeply personal. It's simply my interpretation of certain events and while I recognize that this subject effects everyone differently, I hope that this sheds some light on what makes me well, me. I offer up no apologies for grammatical or spelling errors.
Two years ago tomorrow, I was hit with the hardest loss I've ever faced: the death of my father. In order to fully illustrate the effects this had on me, I'll talk about the night leading up to it.
The memory of that nights events remain clear as day in my mind, and to be honest, it doesn't even seem possible that so much time has passed. It was a rather typical night for me; just hanging out at a bar with a couple friends and a girl I had a crush on. We talked shit on random people, talked about the future, etc...but there is one moment that sticks out to me as a cruel, idiotic issue of age. A friend of those I was with had just died. We discussed just how many local kids of our generation had passed recently and I made the comment, 'I'm lucky because no one that I was close with, short of my grandpa and grandma, had passed.' In retrospect, of all the things I've said in my life, that's the one I wish more than anything I could take back. We said our goodbyes and I decided to drive my drunk ass to get some fast food before calling it a night. I was almost asleep when my mom came into my room. It was clear that something had happened. She began to explain that my father had died. It took a few moments for my mind to fully register what she was saying. All this time later, I still find myself hoping that I'll wake up from this nightmare. I've never talked about this with anyone besides a couple close friends who were around in the days that followed.
Looking back, I'm filled with conflicting, powerful emotions. The obvious is despair over the loss of my dad, but on the flip side, there is so much gratitude. The amount of love and support that was shown to me during that time is nothing short of a miracle and I will never forget it. Whether it be the friends who drove in from all over the country without hesitation to hold me, or the people I hadn't been close with in years sending support through phone calls and messages, it's almost overwhelming to think about the love. To this day, whenever I start to feel alone or sad, I think back to these people. Hundreds of people coming together with love...I'll never fully be able to express my thanks.
This brings me to the point of why I'm writing this. I don't know when, why or how it happened, but our society has become one who takes everything for granted. Our families, our friends, our lives...all of it. Prior to this event, I was no different and in many way, I'm still working on it. I never went out of my way to remind my family how much I love and cherish them. I chose drinking with friends or sitting on the computer over spending time with my family. There was always an excuse. My last conversation with my dad went like this:
Me-'(chuckle) drink some tonight?'
Dad-'(chuckle) yeah. I'm heading to bed.'
We texted the next day, but just long enough for me to tell him I was busy at work and didn't have time to talk. I replay this whole thing over and over again in my head.
What I'm trying to say is this: life is shorter than any of us ever imagine. We never truly know when those we care for are going to be gone for good. This is why my advice to you is to NEVER pass an opportunity to remind these people that you love them. Randomly call or text them. Walk into the room and remind them. Go out of your way. Someday they'll be gone and believe me when I say, you don't want to have to deal with the pain of loss at the same time as regret for not saying three simple words more often.
"...I only wanted to tell ya
I care."
Thank you for reading,
-M
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